In loving memory of my brother
Forgive me, mother,
For not coming on Sunday at the grave
and not kneeling at the your bedside
By your forehead overgrown in flowers
soaked with my tears
nourished by my words.
Sorry, Mother,
for not hearing Fatiha from the my lips
forgive me, please.
I know you'll forgive
because I shed a tear
over my best friend
and words of my Fatiha to him I endowed.
My friend
My brother.
Do you remember, mother, Damir
Who you fed with your milk
And though he was not your flesh and blood
You loved him as much as me.
I killed him, mother!
I killed.
The first and the only time.
Him.
My brother.
Why, mother,
Tell me, do you know?
You fed us the same milk
With same lullabys you put us to sleep
In the same cradle were we
To dream together of abundance, happiness.
Oh, mother,
Will I ever be able to look at myself and say:
You are human.
I killed.
Should a real man do that?
I know it is a time of war and nothing is like before
But I killed.
I killed my own brother.
Oh, why was he always the one to go through the wall?
Why did he want to be adorned in glory?
And always against all?
Why against me,
His own brother?
Why ?
Mother, if sometimes he comes
Ask him
Because that WHY is tearing apart my mind
My sun has lost its shine
An eternal darkness is now all around
Why, oh, mother, did you all leave me alone?
Mother, I know,
Even the dirt underneath your fingernails you gave
For US
To call us men
Oh, why aren’t you here?
I cannot make it like this anymore
I cannot
Oh, God, why did he not kill me?
My heart is broken, mother.
Oh, why are you not here
To put my head in your lap
To caress gently my hair
Oh, why do my thoughts only bring dark forebodings
On and on ....
No!
Stop!
It was not my fault
I shot
I fought to stay alive
Life is a bigger suffering than to die
Oh, God, why do we die only at the end?
I wonder, mother,
Will I be able to go to his grave,
Put my hands over my thoughts
And say:
Brother, it is me that I killed
Because, without you, I don’t exist.